King Breweries and Distilleries is a subsidiary of Pentex that is committed to spread alcoholism in a vicious combination with Wyrm-Taint. They operate mainly in North America, but have subsidiaries of their own all over the world.



Everyone enjoys a good cold one now and then. It's just a way to blow off some steam. No matter if it's a Sam Adam's microbrew, a refreshing Coors Light, or an imported Guiness, no one can call you an alcoholic for having a nice beer after a long day.

Unless you're drinking King Breweries. Then you're probably even worse off.

Kings for a lifetimeEdit

The King family came to Colorado back in the days of the frontier, when men were men and needed booze. The King's patriarch decided to begin a brewery in the Colorado territory, and soon made a fortune off desperate settlers desperate to drink. Since then the King family has owned, wholly and totally, the King Breweries.

However, the latest King to own the company, Jeremy, never thought a King would need to debase himself. So on contacting Pentex, he removed his father Dexter completely from the company, only keeping the old man alive to gloat.

Nearly all other kings are or feign loyalty to Jeremy, and under his rule the King empire has expanded immensely in a few short years. The key is volume. Where other beer distributors try to make a profit for each shipment made, King cares only that as much alcohol as possible is sent across the nation. Served in O'Tolley's or taken from the fridge, King dreams of one day becoming America's leading beer and liquour distributor.

Most frighteningly, King knew all about Pentex's real goals. He knew exactly what he was getting into, and he has embraced it. To King, it is a chance to gain the power he, and he alone, should rightfully have as the head of his family.


Kings isn't just a beer brewer. With Pentex's aid, it has gained a massive network of beers and other alcohols to flood America with. These listed here are the most public faces of King Breweries.

King's Breweries Edit

The mother of them all, King's Breweries is a round-the-clock operation with more security than many would expect from a beer company. Astride the Colorado River, the brewery pumps out massive amounts of waste while marketing to the lazy men of America while giving the college demographic something to drink on the cheap.

King Spirits Edit

The home of the harder booze in the company, King Spirits focuses explicitly on whiskies and gins. Still as cheap as the other King drinks, the brewery also is King's playground, where new formulas and "ideas" are put into practice before the main brewery.

King Imports Edit

Based in New England, Imports is where King can safely bring in all brands of foreign drinks, from Irish beers that haven't yet come to America (actually brewed under liscense in the US) to drinks from West Africa and Europe. Unsurprisingly, it is also how King gets Pentex more "questionable" goods.

Ruskaiya Distilleries Edit

Simply a rotgut factory more than anything else, Ruskaiya was made to pump out as much low-price vodka as possible. There's nothing "wrong" about Ruskaiya, but that's just it. There's nothing wrong.

Thaw Beverages Edit

Maker of non-alcoholic drinks, Thaw is specifically geared to making mixers instead of any real soda. The fact that it's carbonated enough to singe the hair off a dog's nose belies the fact that this specific carbonation process is designed to send any banes in the human drinking into overdrive.

Dragon Valley Wines Edit

Cheaper than even the infamous Mad Dog 20/20, Dragon Valley is actually a well-received mid-range wine. Made little differently than other wines, the strange truth lies not in the wine itself. Instead, an investigator would have to look at the vinyard itself. Specifcally, the vines.

Ten Tickle Ales Edit

Marketed specifically to the microbrew "snobs", Ten Tickle is a King Breweries production except in name. Poached from the recipies of long-dead Willem Ten Tickyll (Tickle thanks to the English), Pentex found that most of his other recipies were more useful. Handing the brewing secrets to King, he has since turned the microbrewery into a potential rival to other area microbrews, with dreams of sending it cross-country. Exactly what Pentex would want.


The purpose of King Breweries is exactly what people have been accusing the beer industry of doing for years: Turn the people into drunks and slobs of the worst kind, doing nothing but drinking King. College students waste their time and effort. Workers become hungover morons at work. King has spared no expense in making sure his marketing for the primary product highlights exactly what he thinks of the average America. Slobbish, fat, and stupid. It's paying off like no one could ever believes. Though still a distant third to Coors and Anheuser-Busch, King has eyes on more creative methods to undermine his competitors.


References Edit

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