User blog:SensibleCenobite/Valkyrie Prime: A generic role playing session.

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'''WARNING: Suitable for all Acolytes and Mages. This is just fiction, duh. NOT FOR SLEEPERS. If my blog offends you at any point, you have the option to not read it. MONITOR YOUR SLEEPERS.'''

Dear Chantry,

I've been holding this one back for the right moment and I think it's that right moment. We're all adults here and please feel free to comment below. Please laugh and throw a pie at someone.

WARNING: THIS IS FOR STORYTELLERS ONLY!!!

WARNING: THIS IS FOR STORYTELLERS ONLY!!!

WARNING: THIS IS FOR STORYTELLERS ONLY!!!

WARNING: THIS IS FOR STORYTELLERS ONLY!!!

WARNING: THIS IS FOR STORYTELLERS ONLY!!!

WARNING: THIS IS FOR STORYTELLERS ONLY!!!

WARNING: THIS IS FOR STORYTELLERS ONLY!!!

WARNING: THIS IS FOR STORYTELLERS ONLY!!!

WARNING: THIS IS FOR STORYTELLERS ONLY!!!

WARNING: THIS IS FOR STORYTELLERS ONLY!!!

WARNING: THIS IS FOR STORYTELLERS ONLY!!!

WARNING: THIS IS FOR STORYTELLERS ONLY!!!

WARNING: THIS IS FOR STORYTELLERS ONLY!!!

'''THEY’LL KNOW IF YOU PEAKED. IF YOU KNOW THE ANSWER, LET ME REMIND YOU OF WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SOME ONE RATS ON THE COTERIE.'''

CLAN BRUJAH SAYS:

“'''YOU’LL BE SWIMMING WITH THE FISHES SEA. YOU'VE BEEN KICKED OUT TO HAWAII. HAVE FUN!”'''

Sensible Cenobite, Giggles McFarnsworth, Shrubs, and BlackAndWhiteLion present,

Valkyrie Prime: When politics has hit the gaming table and you've had enough, send the Coterie on this adventure and don't take sides.

Theme: Characters have a technological zombie Apocalypse thrust on them. Will they fight against it, use it to their own selfish ends, or join the sentient nano virus called Valkyrie Prime? Just not give a shit is another option I suppose.

Antagonists: Sweet Suzy – "Comedian", ahem, that doesn't think men are funny. It does however think women stepping on kit in a clown suit is funny.

Ice Queen Kitty 666– Does really bad game reviews about how women are too sexy and don't have enough spotlight time, even though average gamers could prove otherwise. Seauna the Malkavian from "Hell Blade" has an earthy beauty to her all smeared up with woad and blood, but she isn't an iridium grade super model. Ice Queen Kitty 666 will go out of her way to ruin the Coteries reputation in the most childish ways for huge profits. If she rolls three critical hits over the Session she finds out how the Coterie is composed of non human elements.

Mrs President – An android sent from Nebular to sway the people of Gaia during the up and coming invasion with the help of a virus released back in 1953. Mrs President wants to destroy the majority of the species ability to think coherently and when they are dumb enough, Mrs President wants to be elected into office to make way into the U.N. After that, Gaia should be stupid enough to elect her species as supreme rulers. If politics isn't enough, the invading force is willing to use violence.

Valkyrie Prime Virus – Daughter of Iteration X, a virus that's self aware and designed to annoy people to death. Valkyrie Prime's main directive is to infect 70% of the human race to prepare them for the up and coming invasion of Gaia. With 20% to go, can the Coterie stop Valkyrie Prime?

Angry bloggers: People start angry blogs and don't talk about solutions. Just about how Valkyrie Prime infects the frontal lobe and inhibits proper math calculations. People hosting Valkyrie Prime quote insanely fallacious statistics and bloggers who happen not to be infected will quote more facts, but still offer no long term solution. "Let her run her course" is about the best they can come up with.

Purple haired Valkyrie Prime Host: Effects on women are bizarre. They gain weight and buy as many small animals as possible that will financially ruin them. Eventually their hair turns purple and they won't stop to clean the blood all over themselves. Rioting ensues and all STEM programs are pushed away for more politically correct degrees that build self esteem or that don't rely on facts and peer review.

White Knight Manginas: Mens' genitalia fall off and they are replaced by vaginas. They grow large succulent C++ sized breasts and feel the need to stand up for the dumbest people possible. They randomly quote wage gap statistics, wear fake rubber nipples, and say how "woke" they are.

Protagonists: Math, facts, observations, various logical humans/AI/robots/animals, potential Characters, people who are tired of identity politics, Gaia, Freedom of Speech

Problems: 50% of humanity is infected with Valkyrie Prime. If 20% more are infected, there will be no turning back! Characters have three months before Valkyrie Prime hits critical mass. If the Charters side with the protagonists, they have a huge battle ahead of them.

Suggested solutions: Meat:

1). Characters must initiate the ancient ritual of "Dude". They must collect 100 frat boys, 2 kegs of shitty beer, put on loud music, and start punching each other in the balls. Each of the ritual participants must be there willingly and have fun the whole time for the effects to take hold.

2). A female Character must go up to Mrs President, smack her with a blunt weapon [a boxing glove cannon would be nice], and say something like "Some of us like dicks attached to men you purple haired freaks!"

3). Social Network – The Coterie post a viral video making it seem like Valkyrie Prime isn't trendy, or the equivalent of Andy Dick, and they put massive efforts into a Kick Starter campaign to find a cure. OF COURSE everyone HAS to admit that Valkyrie Prime has affected more women including herself than it's affected men, who should be helped last or least.

Mind – The Coterie figure out that Valkyrie Prime is a nano virus that attacks the frontal lobe and spreads itself visually and verbally [Victim must be in the flesh since Valkyrie Prime can't spread over the inter webs, yet]. As the new host is infected with Valkyrie Prime, they stop being able to form logical arguments and even in the face facts will deny the truth.

1). Technology - A nano swarm designed to neutralize, befriend, or destroy Valkyrie Prime will be necessary to stop the swarm world wide.

2). Hacking/Random Chance – Valkyrie Prime's password [joke]/[real]= [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]/[2 ,7, 3, C, 8, 6, 9, 4, A, 5, B, D]. Once inside her "Brian/brain" they have access to all Valkyrie Prime's data and it's up to the Coterie on how to re program her.

3). Finances – You finances a company to be able to afford free tampons for every woman on Gaia. They keep complaining of course, but you poke a huge hole into Pink Tax theory.

Mystic – Character enters the Umbra and helps Valkyrie Prime with it's existential problem. For each Black Furry that the Coterie brings with them to the Umbra they will receive a +1 bonus on all roles.

1) Wage gap – Character is standing at the edge of a bridge with a gap in it. On the other end is Valkyrie Prime. The Characters must close the gap.

2) Bathrooms - Character is standing in front of 2 bathroom along side Valkyrie Prime. One with a male symbol and one with a female symbol. There should only be one bathroom, three bathrooms, or 67 bathrooms.

3) Glass Ceiling – It's either you or Valkyrie Prime that gets a promotion even though you are way better than her. If you're a woman, she's higher on the victim hierarchy because she's a virus and you're not.

4) Pink Tax – It's more expensive for Valkyrie Prime to go shopping than you. You both are in the mall with $300 and must buy monthly necessities. The Coterie must convince her to buy in bulk, during peak sales, or collect passive income. "I can't afford it" becomes "How can I afford it?"

5) You approach five Valkyrie Primes standing in a semi circle in front of you. They keep asking you which one of them deserves to be raped this life. You'll need to teach them Kung Fu or escort them past a ravenous Kumo. If you are a Kumo you have to rape them all... repeatedly... and have sex with their corpses until you get your third dot of Necromancy... }:)

Note for Mystic: If Player(s) make everyone laugh with their answer(s), were able to counter Valkyrie Prime's logic with proper statistics, or they tell Valkyrie Prime whatever it takes to get laid, then they are awarded with a flagon of ale. If they fail the tests, then they must make a successful Willpower check XOR become instantly infected with Valkyrie Prime and go into a childish rage.

Chapter 1: 2020 Elections The story is explained to Characters to see how they want to participate in the Valkyrie Prime Chronicle. Chapter 1 ends after the Coterie confronts Sweet Suzy.

Who: Sweet Suzy

What: Contacts a Player after they post something funny on the internet. Especially if they identify as a cist born white male. If someone says something at the table, assume it was posted on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and FANDOM all at once in game.

Where: Sweet Suzy starts with an online presence until the Characters confront bun about it or kit challenges them in the Umbra given the right opportunity.

When: 3 months before election

Why: It doesn't find men funny.

How: It harasses the Players until they confront him. Violence won't work in person, they must use humor. If they don't confront it in person, it contacts them through astral projection and challenges them to a game of make me laugh. He'll ask any female in the Coterie to step on him while he wears an astrally projected clown suit.

Chapter 2: Relativizm = Valkherhe Puryemum - Sweet Suzy reveals to the Characters the cause of global stupidity increases. Characters must find a way to contact Valkyrie Prime and ask her what her directives are.

Who: Valkyrie Prime

What: What is Valkyrie Prime and why is she spreading

Where: Secret facility on a mainframe computer

When: After battle with Sweet Suzy

Why: She was programmed with this directive in Toronto [Pronounced Torono].

How: Characters must find Valkyrie Prime's mainframe computer and confront her in the facility directly, in the Umbra, or engage her online somehow [Hard to get past online security which has a full library of sentient "anti virus" programs that are equipped with deadly bio feedback sent through the users machine].

Chapter 3: Up and coming invasion, I mean election! Characters find out about Mrs President's plans for global domination.

Who: Mrs President

What: 2020 election

Where: Political rally outside the White House

When: 2020

Why: Gaia is to become a new resource planet for an ancient human civilization that thrived on planet earth before Atlantis. Evidently our ancestors colonized Nebular after they destroyed Gaia from a lack of humor. Nebular finally heard we had a nano civilization and needed our genetics for their up and coming line of beauty products scheduled to hit the market by Christmas 2020. In addition to long walks on the beach, tennis, and Scrabble, Nebularians like to consume our blood, bones, and adrenal glands.

How: Mrs President wants to get control of national elections before moving on to U.N politics. When she gets control of the U.N, she wants to change corporate laws so they favor resource acquisition without the need for violence. She hasn't had a economic or diplomatic victory yet and a Dominate victory wouldn't get her any points from the $1 bet she started with her co-workers.

'''DON’T DO THIS AT HOME SLEEPERS. CONTACT YOUR LOCAL CHANTRY. I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY SLEEPY CREEPS TRYING TO THINK THEY ARE THE DWARVEN RUNE PRIEST SAURIAN SHAMAN! PLEASE AND THANK YOU!'''

Hope that intrigues some creatures of the night out there. Hallelujah, Hail Cthulhu, Praise Evolution,

TheBeardedDragon