User blog:SensibleCenobite/How my uncle Zapathasura got his Chimerstry

This is of course just a story. My grandpa recently died and I remember him telling us improv stories on vacation. Please take and re modify it for your campaign, vacation, or bed time stories. WARNING: THIS IS VERY WACKY!

Would you like to hear about how my uncle Zapathasura was given one of the most powerful vampire disciplines, Chimerstry? Undoubtedly. Would you like to hear the tale about the time my grandpa and I almost got sucked into the TV? Of course you would! If you don’t know about my uncle’s work, just look up the "week of nightmares". Rest in peace uncle Zappy, may you go to heaven.

Before we get started, a little explaination for my favorite cousins, the Ravnos. They can be quite the tricksters and they can have a temper sometimes. I love you all even though you always call back and say you didn’t order a carry out pizza and ordered a delivery. Brujah will of course wave the delivery fee and I’ll take it to your door tip free with a smile. It’s a funny way to blow off bad karma.

Anyway, my grandpa and I were tasked with building a machine similar to the Alabaster Throne. After I got fried on April Fools day by my uncle Zapathasura, it never seemed to boot up correctly. There were numerous gremlins in the machine that laughed at us mockingly. Every time we tried to send an assassin sprite through the machine to kill off the gremlin infestation, they would just laugh at us more and dance out of the way. Because they were ninjas.

Finally, before dinosaurs were invented, my grandpa and I successfully invented the TV together. We went to Zapathasura and told him all about the potential it had to project illusions to an audience. We thought he would take it as a sign of friendship, but he got a little competitive, got hostile, then walked off. Gramps and I looked at each other and were very shocked that day. We usually never experienced that level of competition and had no idea how to respond.

Instead of butting heads, we started getting into making content to not think about the fight we had. We thought of a worthy species to take on this blessing. Then it came to us eventually, we always loved primates especially chimps. They were very intelligent, civil, and well spoken. I know what you’re thinking, “But sensible, the fossil record says that primates came after dinosaurs?” Believe it or not primates got invented before dinosaurs, but they were way to clever for their time.

Our first test subject, Kitty, was the most charming and cute chimp we could find. After giving lizards intelligence before a heart, what a mistake, we decided to aim for being likable over correct. We took her to the TV and our quest to see if it was a good enough replacement began. By golly she took to fifties sitcoms and playing strategy games like a duck takes to water. Her intelligence grew in a logarithmic fashion, a j curve for you neonates, by the nano second.

Something scary happened during the thirteenth month of the trials however. See, Kitty was raised in the South and they like to play it slow there. She knew that she was getting smarter and knew that we couldn’t tell except for the tests we gave to her. Glasses hadn’t been invented yet. So one day she decided that she would be better than anything in creation. However she had the pesky Yahweh problem to deal with.

In the span of one minute, Kitty finally enacted her master plan with her new found mental powers. She hooked up all the TVs on planet Earth to suck all of reality into the abyss, except the chimps. Everything near a TV started to dissolve into their base particles and twirl away into the screen. Kitty was in the foulest of moods, so she made sure to change the channel to 1950’s game shows.

Yahweh himself comes to grandpa and I and asks us for help. ZOOOT!!! He gets sucked away as we extended our hands out to grasp him. We were pooched man! Grandpa and I were standing there in the blackness holding each other as the rest of reality had been taken by that point. He started to pray and I started to meditate.

Grandpa:

Saying the serenity prayer out loud.

In a dream like state in Sensible’s head:

Thankfully, before grandpa and I were tasked with the TV, we worked on more important endeavors. Inventing dirt from rocks, basic phonetics, obscene hand gestures, fishing, and other critical human experiences. During the most important experiment to date, fishing, we needed something to sit on in our new invention, the canoe. We racked our head both figuratively and literal across our knuckles. BOOM! With a puff off fairy magic a board was in our hands. This cost Mount Celestial a lot of favors from the Changeling community, but we needed it.

Sensible flying back into his body from the astral plane.

I strapped the board right across my bottom as grandpa gets sucked into the screen. I undid my belt with one hand while holding grandpa's outstretched hand with the other. Grandpa grabbed the end of the belt and was waving in the chaos that is 1950’s game shows. Yahweh about to hang himself from boredom gleefully grabed onto Gramps as I pull them both out.

At the last second, Yahweh snaps his fingers and reality pops back into place. Yahweh, also known as Werewolf Daddy, is an ancient Werewolf with a nasty temper. A few weeks prior to the incident, during one of my famously boring financial lectures, I somehow convinced him to do more breathing exercises. He breaths for a good fifteen minutes before he summons my uncle Zapathasura and Kitty before the three of us.

He looks to Kitty and says “You’ve become too powerful for this reality. I’m going to send you to another reality to suit your needs. May you live long and prosper. Nanu Nanu.” as he makes the inter dimensional sign for peace. POOF. Kitty is gone in a puff of smoke. Yahweh looks to my uncle and says “Zapathasura, from this day forth you and your progeny shall be the makers of illusions and projections. Please teach humans wisely when the day comes.” Zapathasura bows deeply, turns into a black crow, then flies away into space with smug smile from cheek to cheek that suggests he’s giving us the finger.

Yahweh breathes for a few more moments and finally addresses grandpa and I. “Dumb and dumber, you need to keep better tabs on your projects. I like this fishing project you invented a while back. Don’t screw it up!” We bow deep to the maker of the universe and high tell it out of there to the nearest well stocked river.

We’ll see you in the mountains or at the beach,

Sensible Cenobite