User blog:SensibleCenobite/Animalism 101: WARNING: May cause headaches!

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'''WARNING: Suitable for all Sires and Neonates. NOT FLEDGLINGS. This is a list of all my my experience with animals both civilized and in the wild. This has been obtained through first hand experience, books, and conversations with animal lovers/owners. Please respect animals and their space and you should be just fine. I have Animalism, so don’t try this at home. MONITOR YOUR FLEDGLINGS.'''

0). Research how your local wildlife behave. Don’t go into THEIR territory. If you do, stick to the trails and be aware of animal tracks, dung, claw marks, etc… Just like Master Yowzers told me before I went willingly into clown hell “You won’t need that knife in there buck-o. Use the common sense, schmuck.”

1). Pretend every animal you greet for the first time just got up in the morning. Go slow, be friendly, and don’t stick your hand in or near their mouth. Try to seem confident even if you’re not. Not sticking your hand in their space goes for white people especially.

2). It’s usually best to avoid looking large and aggressive. Your tone of voice and what you say are important. Animals can understand what you mean.

3). When in doubt, bring ham. A Ventrue buddy and I charmed a wild dog with a half pound of ham. We were best friends after that and she would cry when she saw us.

4). Cats are like French women. Pretend you don’t need them and that they don’t need you. Bring ham. Curl your pointer finger and let them sniff it slowly. Don’t put your hand over their head quickly. Laser pointers work wonders with the Fledgling kitties.

5). If you’re hiking alone out in the wild during mating season and you see a mamma mountain lion napping with her cubs. DON’T RUN. Say hello in a friendly voice and walk very calmly up the trail. If she doesn’t maul you and gives you a friendly meow, you’re probably in the green.

6). If you’re hiking alone up your quarter mile desert drive way and you say something like “I would stamp out [insert thing you would like to stamp out]!”. Then a mountain lion growls in agreement. DON’T RUN. Say hello in a friendly voice and walk very calmly up the drive way. If it doesn’t maul you and gives you a friendly meow, you’re probably in the green.

7). If you’re desperate for companionship and want a “pet”, please get a plant or fish first. Pets are huge chains of attachment that stop vacations and spontaneous actions. They’re like half a kid in cost, upkeep, and time. Plus they never grow up and POTENTIALLY leave the house.

8). If you do get a pet, treat them like they are family. They are. White people I got your back. Give them an opinion and let them finish their sentences please. You might learn something. TAILS HAVE OPINIONS, THUMBS HAVE VOTES.

9). I used to play a game with gramps on vacation. We would hold out a piece of pop corn and try to get the squirrels to come grab it out of our hands. It worked most of the time if we were patient. We would set up bird feeders and wait till some of them got in. Then we would creep up on them like cat ninjas one step at a time. They would stop to peek, and just like a gnome we would freeze. As soon as we could get close enough, we would give the feeder a smack or swat their tail. The squirrels would freak out and run scattering bird feed everywhere. It made for hilarious consequences.

'''DON’T DO THIS AT HOME FLEDGLINGS. I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY DUMB ASS TRYING TO THINK THEY ARE THE ANCIENT ROBOT VAMPIRE! PLEASE AND THANK YOU!'''

I hope that helps any Lick trying to take a few points in Animalism,

Sensible Cenobite